jiafeigouの感情世界

'If i accept you, people will think how come my standard dropped until so low'

2011-06-17T03:02:00.000-07:00

If someone you love very deeply said this to you 'If i accept you, people will think how come my standard dropped until so low'....even if its meant as a joke..do you tink i have the right to be angry....

I know i am not in the pink of health...i have arthritis...no big deal...i am still working very well...what others can do i can do also...i dun feel handicapped because of my arthritis..in fact many people are surprised when i told them i have arthritis..cos they dont find anything wrong with me in the first place....i also dont earn a lot...but i dont tink i will starve to death or cant afford to give my girlfriend or future wife a comfortable life...i dont have an MBA...i only have a pass degree with merit...i am not technology savy...i dun know about the latest geeks or how to download songs or to repair computers...in short..i am just a technology dinosaur...all along...i thought i am just human...until that sentence came along...

Something 2 years late...

2010-03-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

I did something last week which i ought to have done 2 years earlier....At that time i should had told her i really cherished our friendship & that i am very very remorseful of my outburst & choice of words....And please give our friendship another chance to make it work.....My impression & opinion of you still remains...i still feel & know that you are a very nice girl...I apologise if it hurts you badly to make you reminiscene of the failed friendship we had 2 years back..if we didnt make it right back then, can you provide me with this chance to make it right now?...i believe both of us acknowledge that back then, what was exchanged was just feelings of anger and disbelieve...and its entirely not what we are or what we feel about each other...& i promise you...i wouldnt makes the same mistakes again.....

这就是爱吗？

2009-12-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

This song is for a particular person. I got it from yahoo.hk. I really hope she will have a clearer idea of the road ahead from the lyrics of this song.

這就是愛嗎
歌手：容祖兒
作曲：林俊傑
填詞：林秋離, 王雅君
編曲：蔡政勳, 陳建瑋

你確定這就是愛嗎
真的愛我嗎
手牽著手漫步斜陽
就當作浪漫
兩個人眺望遠方
以爲愛的晴朗
當我回頭望
卻已淚濕了眼眶

當夕陽變成星光
當愛情換了方向
你一如過往對愛太緊張
但未來又會怎樣
未知的明天總讓我徬徨
誰給我力量

我不怕你愛不愛我
只害怕你以為愛我
抓緊我不算擁有
你總學不會放手

我不怕你不懂愛我
只怕你把習慣當作愛
你猜不透
我要什麼
喔你猜不透我要什麼

D & D

2009-12-02T23:30:00.000-08:00

The D & D for this year would be held on this sat, and before yesterday, the thought of going for this D & D fills me with excitement & anticipation. Especially so when there are so many of my colleagues going, and that i missed out on the last year one. I havent decided whether i want to buy any new clothes for it, the pants that i like is $103, and that the shirt is $69. A bit ex i feel, but i think i would look nice in it.

But what happened yesterday sort of spoiled my mood. I had a row with my table i/c over nothing, and i had voiced out whatever i shouldnt have said (i dont know if he heard it). What i had said is true, but certain things are better left unsaid, which is why i feel quite apologetic about revealing them.

I was more concerned about this 2nd thing though. Another person who is in the same table sms me this conclusion to whatever happened between me & her, "...cheat my feelings. Dun frd alr.Bye" I dont know if she was joking or what... I really hope she is...

Wedding invitation....

2009-10-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

No, its not me getting married. 'Cheekbone' is. 2 days later. First time i received a wedding invitation via email. Really very happy for her that she has found that special person to be with for the rest of her life.
Just saw on 'strawberry's' blog that she has gotten married last week. What's quite surprising to me was that she didnt invite me to her wedding. And i thought that we were quite close during uni days. And i thought that i knew her boyfriend (now husband), and that we had went out many times together, and we met up like 3 months back..2 ex-colleagues of mine who had posted out from my work-place will be getting married (separately) in the next couple of weeks and they had invitated quite a lot of my colleagues here..but not me... WHY? Is it that they dont like me, or that they think i wouldnt go, or .....they had forgotten the existence on me....

I cant think of an appropriate title..

2009-08-28T01:01:00.001-07:00

I made someone angry last night. A comment which made her feel hurt and upset that she felt like crying. I really dont know how i have this "ability" to hurt someone so badly with just a sentence. Luckily she is magnaminous to forgive me after i apologise, otherwise the friendship would be gone. Was thinking...if i know how to irritate people with just one sentence, why dont i know how to make people happy in just one sentence....

H1N1...

2009-08-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

I had a high fever last week saturday night, fluctuating between 38.2 and 38.8 degrees. So i went to see the MO, got 7 days MC. And by the next morning, it jumped to 39.5. I had never experienced such a high temperature before, and the symptoms really seems like H1N1. My joints are in pain, i have a cough, and i had been in contact with a few fever patients the past few days. I sms 'cheekbone' asking her to help me find out the guidelines what i should do if the fever persists. I guess hearing her words of encouragement and her sweet voice made me feel much better. And by the next day, my fever is gone. But i am still feeling very weak and drowsy. Luckily I still have 5 more days of MC, so can have a good rest before going back to work.

I really thought that there's still a lot of things for me to do, for me to experience, for me to discover. The past no longer seems important, those wrong things that i had done before seems so minor and insignificant. From then on, i realised that once i recover, i am going to do all the things which in the past i had dwelled too long on, and did not have the courage to even try. Basically, i am going to live my life again.

Thanks to H1N1 and the high fever for bring me to my senses..CHEERS!

我的主题曲

2009-07-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

我真的很喜欢看超级星光大道，因为觉得这节目最大的感动度是它的人性化和制作组的用心。它不会去太在意收视率如何，它也不需要观众帖钱进去维持参赛选手的进展，搞到好像被淘汰的不是因为他们表演得不够好，而是因为支持他们的粉丝扔的钱不够多。超级星光大道的选手们，如林宥嘉，梁文音，赖铭伟，徐佳莹，方宥心，张心杰，都能看到他们的蜕变和成长，他们付出的努力和心酸，他们的不锲和对音乐的执著，我想是该节目最大的卖点。　

星光5里有个两个单元让我很感动，就是要指定参赛选手唱他们的主题曲，和他们想对某某人说的话。有些的故事很感人。如果是我，我选的会根徐泳琳的一样，就是一首很sad的歌：莫文蔚的‘爱’。就是觉得每句歌词，esp chorus 那部分很贴近我的感触和心情。。。因为我会想起你，我害怕面对自己，我的意志总被寂寞吞食，因为你总会提醒，过去总不会过去，有种真爱不是我的。。。假如我不曾爱你，我不会失去自己，想念的刺，钉住我的位置，因为你总会提醒，尽管我得到世界，有些幸福不是我的。。。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

The difficulty of meeting-up

2009-06-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

I received an unexpected call from 'strawberry' a few days back. And she proposed a meet-up the next day which i am also free. Its like so long that we havent meet up, & just all of a sudden we are going to meet the following day. The feeling is quite surreal..I had been visiting her blog ever since we left school and i thought she wanted to meet me to pass me her wedding invitation card. But she didnt. Nevertheless we had a good chat and i am looking forward to meeting her again.

Compared that with someone who has been asking me when i am free & after i told him my off days, he said would get back to me. But he NEVER. Sometimes i am wondering if he's real busy or that the sms is just a way of keeping in contact without any real aim or meaning. I should add that i appreciate him for taking the effort to try to arrange a meet-up though....

I know how hard and difficult it's to arrange a gathering. I asked 'Apple' out on her day off for 2 consecutive weeks and she told me that she's feeling too tired to go cycling. This I can understand. But this doesnt reduce any of my disappointment...

The 3 friends above whom i have mentioned, i really thought we got along very well, especially during various stages of my life. Hence i really cherish a lot of our friendship. But somehow, it seems that its possible that friendship can end peacefully...Something which i dont want to see, but i have no idea how to sustain the friendship...

The importance of communication...

2009-06-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

I was on the bus just now and overheard a girl lamenting to her friend about how bad her boyfriend is...How he failed to catch her hints, how many times she has reminded him to take leave to go for an overseas trip, how much he likes gaming instead of going out with her, why he didnt bother to call her every now and then to show concern about her, why he always cancel dates and appointments with her at the last minute, why he didnt care about her feelings...And that all these problems are making her school work very depressing and tedious..not only affecting her mood and also her relationships with her friends as they have to bear with her temper....And her friend was quite quiet throughout, preferring to let the 'victim' vent her frustrations...

"Apple" taught me one very important thing. Guys always make this mistake of seeking their male friends opinions when they have doubts on how to handle a relationship with her girl. 'Why dont they just approach the girl's female friends, who knows more about her and can give better suggestions?' ...Maybe if that girl on that bus had confided in any male friend, she would have known what was wrong in that relationship. Or that probably, she is just finding an avenue to vent her frustrations and hoping that her friend (and me, unwittingly of course) would lend a ear....

Before i dropped off at Toa Payoh ( I was on Bus 151), I heard her admitting that she's 'emotionally high maintainence'...which brings to mind a friend who told me that she's 'financially low maintainence and emotionally high maintainence'..But this friend of mine has been happily attached to her boyfriend for 5 years and counting...I dont know how long this poor girl on the bus will last though...but maybe they arent suitable to be together at all...because obviously there is a big big communication problem between the two of them...
And thats why the importance of communication cannot be downplayed. I am still learning and trying to communicate effectively with people....but its never easy. Everybody has different personality, character and thinkings...its really a challenge...

A dream...got loopholes....but does it mean anything?...

2009-06-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, i had a dream. Surprisingly the storyline still remains very clear after i woke up. Here it goes...

I was at Ang Mo Kio with a JC friend (i had lost touch with him for a long long time) looking for the MRT station, intending to go to Somerset MRT . It was around 1 plus in the afternoon (I checked my watch at that time). I had asked a female colleague out for lunch at Wisma Atria, where we would meet at the MRT station at 2pm (not including the JC friend of course, me and her only). And then after, we would attend a meeting around the area at 3pm. So naturally, i was quite happy to meet her for lunch....But as time passes, my JC friend and i couldnt find the MRT station (This always happen in my dreams...i can never find places or reach destinations on time)..so i got rather panicky and called my colleague that i couldnt meet her for lunch and that we would meet again another day.... And then i woke up....

This storyline seems reasonable...but there's at least 4 loopholes...No 1. I dont store her phone number in my handphone, so how can i contact her? No 2. If i am going to meet her for lunch and also being very excited about it, then why am i still doing in Ang Mo Kio at 1 plus? No 3. If i am going to Wisma Atria with her, then why did I want to drop at Somerset instead of Orchard MRT?....No.4...She's my colleague, so its near-impossible that we would need to attend a meeting at Orchard together....

What does this dream reveal?...I have no idea...

Hong Kong...Here i come...

2009-03-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

40 mins more to boarding the plane. "Botak Teo" misplaced his passport after checking in the luggage....but luckily in the end still managed to find it...i am yearning for the dim sum, roasted geese as well as the seaf0od....think it would be a fun and enjoyable trip..

I did write her a letter...and i wrote half of what i thought i wanted to say...maybe half-hoping she can figure out what the other unwritten stuffs meant. I thought it was quite clear, but she called me and asked me 'what do i want to achieve by giving her the letter?' I think she could tell that i am avoiding to give her a direct reply. What really hurts me was that she said ' (we are only) colleagues are just to have a working relationship, if we can talk then we talk. Colleagues do not need to endure / accept your temper, unlike your friends'... Really, after knowing each other for one year plus, after we get from the mutual dislike of each other to being able to chat on the phone, and go out with others for dinner....we are just colleagues...and more so 'disposable' colleagues.... And i didnt do anything in front of her or to hurt her...i did lost my temper before, but its not in front of her....to condemn me because of one small error and to choose to ignore other things that i had done...i am really very disapointed and sad...

Looks like i made a good decision in going for the vacation...escaping from the harsh reality...

to say or not to say....

2009-03-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

18 more days to go...there's something i badly wanted to ask...something i really wanted to say..something i desperately wanted to clarify...for what, i dont know....maybe just plain curiousity to make certain things clear, perhaps just to have a conclusion....if i say, got consequences; if i dont say, got regret...i am at a lost....

A big dilemma....to go or not to go.....

2009-03-06T00:15:00.000-08:00

A colleague "botak teo" asked me if i want to go overseas for a short vacation where he can bring me around the area. The price, which includes the flight (normal airline) and a five-star hotel stay for 4 nights, is really very appealing and tempting. And actually i wanted to go this country last year, but i wasnt too sure of how to get around as the MRT doesnt go to all the places i want to go, so i choose Taipei instead....This time round, someone whom is interesting and whom i can communicate well with and knows the place well can bring me around.....but the catch is that the package offer lasts only till the end of this month, and he intended to leave around 2 weeks plus..which somehow seems a bit rushing for me... I had checked with my superior and my parents, whom gave me the green light to go if i want to...And to me thats a difficult question to answer..

Some of the stuffs to ponder....To me, 3 weeks is more than enough to prepare myself for a trip. I planned one month in advance for the Taipei trip and for Bangkok is roughly about 3 weeks plus...Someone would be covering my work....(she might be grumbling about this though)....and there's a big uncertainty if she would be posted out soon...(i dont know if i hope for her to be posted out... sometimes yes, sometimes no... i do hope for someone else to post out asap though..)..Expenditure wise should be okay...And i really need a break..i am very tried about certain things in my workplace (the relationships are less complicated in the past, and that we wouldnt go to work the next day to realise that people are falling out with one another because of certain mis-understandings and the worst thing is that it cannot be mended (i guess in some aspect i contributed to this as well)....i told "snowman" before..i am very afraid that me & her would fall out...)...And there's nothing better than to go overseas for a vacation...

I have to give a reply to 'botak teo' by tomorrow...i think i already have a decision...its just that i need some courage to ascertain that my decision is the right one....

Anniversary Night

2009-02-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

“暧昧让人受尽委屈，找不到相爱的证据，何时该前进，何时该放弃，连拥抱都没有勇气”...This is the song which got the Karaoke champion....

Yesterday was the anniversary night of my company which was held in a multi-purpose hall, which i find most fun & though provoking was the karaoke competition. Maybe to some people, the whole event seems to be quite boring & a waste of time, but not to me. I am glad that i attended it....because you will only enjoy it if and only if you allow yourself to enjoy it.

Initially the signing-up of the karaoke competition was quite lukewarm, to the extent that the organisers have to resort to arrowing people for it. At the end of it, i realised that its not that they cant sing, its just that they think that they have no courage to sing in front of an audience...

After the event ended, we were told that we have 30 mins more to sing before the contractors keep the barang barang... and at that time, there wasnt many of us left. So when someone got started to sing, the song request keeps coming....and i am sure those who stayed behind really enjoyed the 30 mins...

Those words of encouragement which i said to my colleague to calm her nerves before her turn to sing really got me thinking. How is it that i can encourage people so easily but not myself? Why is it that i still dont have the courage to do certain things even though i know its not that difficult a task?...And that it doesnt matter what the outcome would be, because you already succeed as long as you are willing to give it a try...And i am not just referring to the karaoke competition...I am referring to my greatest fear, which this thing to many people its so natural, so easy, so enjoyable...but to me this fear keeps lingering...maybe i really complicate matters by thinking too much...

"Northeast Line": You still owe me a "为你我受冷风吹"...haha..

Happy Valentine Day....

2009-02-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

Just 4 more days to that day...that day which i really believe its over-hype...that day which probably creates the biggest divide / segregation over the have & the have-nots...

I am thinking of buying gift, but somehow i really dont have a clue what i should get. Like what 'cheekbone' told me, 'if that person likes you, even if you just give her a handmade gift, she will like' . Very true... but somehow giving a person a gift on v-day doesnt neccessary equate to liking her rite...it could plainly be some platonic friendship...('jade orchid' strongly disputes this point though...)...hopefully not all girls feel that way..

Finally the cold war ended... yeah...looks like i am right to give myself and others a 2 weeks cooling off period.....

Someone asked me this question via sms' why suddenly we will have constant messages?...Sorry i getting afraid as i do not know why. I afraid that one day you will just go mia, we will be like strangers when we see each other'... I really dont know what gave her this insecurity or this doubt...And after i replied her, i get a feeling that she is distancing herself from me...This is so similar to what happened between me and 'instant mee'...a feeling of nostalgic...i really dont want that incident to happen again....but i guess it will happen...but this time, i am sure i know how to handle this...

Happy Valentine Day!

The implications....

2009-01-23T00:53:00.000-08:00

I had actually written something else instead of this sentence, but i decide to wait for two more weeks or so to see if anything has changed...looks like the BBQ and cycling and sitting at the beach had calmed me down a lot....

why am I so angry???

2009-01-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

The title speaks for itself. I am angry...yes...very angry. At who?...This i know...But at what in particular...I really have no idea..Somehow it makes me even more angry to justify or to rationalise what i am angry about..... To the extent that this makes me isolated from my colleagues who are also my good friends....which to me is a big consequence of my actions, of my anti-sociality... i can think of 101 ways in which he irritates me, in which i cant stand, in which i hope he dont even exist.,,but these are not why i get so angry (even though i force myself and "brokeback" to believe in)....Looks like only "jade orchid" managed to see through me & my frustrations...ya its true...guys are better at giving solutions and solving problems...girls are better at consoling and showing empathy and understanding of those feelings / emotional problems..

I am not the sort of person who can get angry for long. I am quite easy to be pleased... (try chocolate ice-creams)..and normally i would apologise to that person to break the ice (even though sometimes it backfires...)..

The conflict between me is at most a clash of opinions and working style. Pretty nothing much. Its not the first day i know him anyway. One of the reason why i flare up is because i dont want a repeat of the "LKK" incident (LKK is a person's name) where he questions everything...the rationale, the sanity, the alternatives... that i did...that i could do...( this reason is true)..another thing is the tone and the way he speaks...machiam like want to challenge me like that...like he's confirm right because he had discussed it many times with "snowman"... and if in the most unlikely event he's wrong...he would consult my superior...Which would result in a repeat of that "LKK" incident....Honestly, this would make me flare up, but it wouldnt have a lasting impact...

And a gossip. This one, i am afraid, "jade orchid" got the main point at what i am angry about. He just said it at the wrong time, at the wrong place, at the wrong occasion, at the wrong atmosphere. The gossip is nothing, because as "jade orchid" consoles, the main characters (me included) wouldnt care about that at all because there are far too many gossips going around (especially for those who are singles) and "her" being so pretty and easy-going, she wouldnt have minded it at all. It wouldnt have any effect on our friendship (whether the gossip is true or not)...Neither would this any future implications...because its just a rumour, a gossip.. And "jade orchid" is sure i knew of these also...hence this being a reason i flare up is a lie....

I am just very very afraid that what "jade orchid" diagnosed is correct....because if what she said its true..it explains everything totally...but i really dont want it to be true....because i know i cant accept the consequences of that being true...

I am contemplating whether to sms him to apologise to him...okay...if that license plate of that bus i am taking next is odd, i will apologise..if its even..then see how la....

My birthday wish for 2008...to be fulfilled by Dec 2009...

2008-12-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

For the past dont know how many birthdays, as far as i can remember, i had (in past tense) always been making intangible and vague wishes, which till now, i dont know if they came through or not. But i am very sure of something, my only clear & obvious wish in 2006 doesnt come true...And i guess..the way i did / didnt do certain things in the build-up, that wish was doomed at the start. So i shall state clearly some of my wishes..hopefully (no..i shall make it happen) they will come true by the next Dec.

1- A new pair of spectacles. I want the one which is similar to what my colleague has...plastic frame...and in red...He said the frame is widly available and is cheaper than the other non-plastic ones...But i wasnt that keen on window-shopping in spectacle shops in the first place...Never mind... i shall do it...

2 - A mahjong card set. My dad and my relatives had in the past said that the way i played is kinda predictable and that i always throw the wrong tiles.. so i would like to have one to hone my skills....No tiles set please, its too noisy....

3 - A sony ericsson handsfree earpiece. Mine was spoilt for like more than 2 months, and i was quite surprised that one from the flagship shop cost about $20 plus...Couldnt find it at those pasa malam stalls though...

Some intangible wishes

1 - The same for all the previous years, I want to be happy. But somehow i dont know exactly what makes me happy...i only know what makes me unhappy...but putting a 'dont' in front on that wish seems wierd...

2 - I want my career to be smooth sailing. And i mean...my present job...

3 - I wish for my parent's health, and by treating them well and giving them less to worry about... i guess it helps...

4 - I wish to have a solution to this problem...i wrote in my diary..."我还是无法把过去美好的回忆当成是种记念，而是一再地寻找当时的憧憬，当时的感觉，当时的点点滴滴。。。。如果我真的能做到能拿得起，放得下。。。我相信自己会活得快乐些，忧郁也会少一些，遗憾也会少一些，痛苦会少很多。。。我也能够重新接受自己，勇敢地去寻求想要的未来，想要的世界，想要的一切“　

5 - I want to fulfill that unfulfilled wish that i made in 2006....that 'person' would surely be different (because if it does, it would contradict the above wish no.4)..and in the process of doing so... i shall play a more active role...be a more natural guy...and overcome my resistance and shyness and fear of doing certain things.... I know that its not as difficult as i thought it would be...and as long as i dont think too much and procrastinate and complicate things...the chances of this wish coming true is very high....

Taipei Vacation....Getting there & Coming back....

2008-11-23T23:51:00.000-08:00

6D5N trip. First-time going there after watching so much of it on TV. The plane ride was quite good and comfortable (except for the lack of free food & drinks & blankets & music / TV player ) Its seems much better than those normal airlines. Maybe the 'budget' is in terms of something else....Not only me, but other travellers also complained about the antics that were being displayed onboard...those who blasts loud music over thir laptop / MP3, the constant 4hr40mins chatting by 2 elderly non-stop, the unwillingness to switch off their handphones & to buckle up their seatbelt (one even seems to be pretending to fall asleep when approached by the stewardess), and this one takes the cake...one page of the in-flight magazine was missing (the one detailing all the flights informations)...However, the service is great. The stewardess are very polite & courteous (the ground staffs too), the food is great (according to my mum), the safety instructions are clear & every information communicated to us are in english and mandarin (even the pilot's speech), the leg room is okay...oh yah..i quite like their uniform...orange and black...

In front of my seat are 2 girls whom at first i thought are Taiwanese. Their dressing is fashionable & they look pretty (they are pretty, just that they also know how to dress well too)..One of them, head tilted, resembles the 杨怡, the 杨怡in 学警雄心....And guess what, we are taking the same airport transfer, staying in the same hotel & will be going for the same tour the next day. Sounds good?

40 mins more....Bye Bye Changi....

2008-11-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

40 mins more and I would be on the plane...yeah...quite a great feeling to be at one of my favorite place in Singapore, and going to another favorite destination.... Hope the journey is good (I have never taken budget airline before)...Anyone wants anything from there (i dont know if anyone knows exactly where i am going to as i didnt mention it), feel free to sms me....(but reply not guranteed...haha)....Bye Bye...

The evolving sense of 'reality'....

2008-11-07T01:55:00.001-08:00

Certain things, i really dont know how to explain. Thought that its just me who's like that, but...
Where do i start??? U know for me especially, there are some people whom i can talk very freely with over the phone, and even if the topics get bored, there is no inclination to put down the phone.. but when i meet these people face to face, there's nothing much (interesting) to say. And on those rare occasionals when i get into msn, i could chat easily with people whom i most probably wouldnt even recognise them on the streets. It just seems that both of us can be "good friends" over the phone, but in reality, we just seems to be drifting very far apart. Sort of a double-life. Or a "地下情" that everything has to be done hush hush...or a 见不得光thing...or that one (or perhaps both) are ashamed or startled that we could / had been so close to each other... i really dont know why i get this kind of feeling...and it gets magnified when it comes to the opposite sex... I guess these type of atmosphere is created mutually...

One more day to go &　I would be on the plane...And coincidentally (maybe not so)...she (this word is a noun, and whether its specific, its ..) is also flying off on that day. Yah...the 'she' is the topic of discussion in the earlier paragraph. Same airline, different timing, different destination.... I checked my hotel location and its 10 mins away from the MRT station (the travel agent recommend it, says its 5 mins, and thats why i choose this)..and the online reviews arent exactly good...Most Singaporeans criticize it, but others are okay with it....(actually i think criticism doesnt mean its bad...tonnes and tonnes of people criticize the packness of our MRT train, but i am quite okay with it...Not many people criticize the fact that people ALWAYS rushes in before commuters exit from the train ( this seems more rampant than our packed trains)..and this is one big gross why i sometimes refuses to take the train...So what is reality? Its just merely our interpretation of facts....

**Just thinking, would / does anyone know or can anyone guess who the 'she' i am referring to....oops...did i mention it in my previous blogs before???...

16th September 2008

2008-09-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

The day I went to see the MO. The day I was temporary downgraded for a year. The next day, I was back at work.

On that night, I felt very isolated. It seems that I am the odd one out & that our directions are no longer the same. They were "congraduating" me of my new status, and marvelled the fact (no!!! Its perception...or rather, fallacy) of how "easy" it was for me to get out of it, without even asking me anything (Even if they asked me, I am sure they wouldnt understand what that medical condition really means). I dont blame them, its a normal response, especially so when the (only) motivation to continue being there is of getting out of there....

Lightning strikes twice???

2008-09-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

When will I ever learn?? Thats a very big question which I thought I had an answer to (actually not really...but after nine months of pondering something, I should at least get some clues to an answer).. The first lightning strike (the nine months ago one) had created much fear and trepidation in me, which I till now I am still trying to come to terms with it. It took me some time to realise that the main concern is not "Whose fault it is?" or "Why did things turn out this way?", but rather "why did I care so much about a particular lightning strike when lightning sightings is such a common phenomenon?"

A colleague who's on relative good terms with me and "Snowman" commented that our conflict is a very small thing (compared to what others had to endure. According to him, she already treated me very kindly already). True enough. Its nothing more than a slight raise of voice (by both parties) & over-eagerness in solving situations, plus a difference in pirority and opinions, over the phone. I had experienced worse shouting matches with others, but somehow I feel its over as soon as the phone is put down. No hard feelings, no bin chao chao when we meet (or should I say, no "extra" bin chao chao..)

I havent had a chance to really talk to her after that incident. She did apologise to me by sms (I should add that she's not one to say sorry easily), and after another un-related conflict, I asked her if she's angry at what I had said, via sms. She didnt reply. Maybe I really think too much, or care too much about her reactions....Probably time will heal everything...I wouldnt see her for 3 weeks (she's in hong kong now & when she's back i will be in ICT)..i dont know if its a good thing or not...

Compared with others, my "friendship" with 'instant mee' and 'snowman' doesnt exactly have a starting point. I have no idea how we became close, its like all of a sudden we started to talk and then...we realise we can talk and communicate...and then...we can share our thoughts..and then...LIGHTNING STRIKES.....

My bright red apple

2008-07-01T02:02:00.000-07:00

In the space of one week, I had dinner with my jap 5 friends and my colleagues. Both yield different thoughts & feelings...but ultimately, they induce a thought-provoking question : How does my apple (now) compares with other bright red apples....(Maybe there is no basis for comparison at all)...

Dinner with Jap 5 people was over a steamboat, with "princess" & "rubbish bin" (among others) attending. Nothing much seems to have changed, just that my level of Japanese seems to be (no..its obviously) deteriorating drastically. "Princess" is still so pretty, "bitter gould" is still so bitter, "rubbish bin" is still so..well...i guess my nicknames for them are proven to be so apt...Really thanks a lot to "princess" who planned this outing by accomodating my confusing & erratic schedule...And everyone who turned up were obviously tired after working the whole week (except "baggy pants" who's enjoying himself these few months) but still took the trouble to come...But sadly..two person whom I really wanted to meet didnt turn up (actually its 3..but if she came, i think it might be quite awkward for her).."Rainie" pulled out at the last minute (so comforting that at least she still remembered my number), "instant mee" couldnt make it (according to "baggy pants")...Now i have been psycho-ing (i dont know if this word exists..but you get the meaning) "mercedez" to organise another outing..think he took the bait...haha..

Dinner with my colleagues was over a a-la-carte (is it pronounced as ah-la-card?) buffet at a hotel. Nice ambience (in sociology terms), but the food is not totally to my apetite. Still prefer steamboat or BBQ though..."Snowman", "fake sister", "brokeback mountain" (among others) were there too... I used to think that there's an invisible boundary restricting colleagues from becoming friends..be it due to conflict of interest or competition or office politics..(to me, it still exists)..But probably not between "Snowman", "Brokeback mountain" and me..why?...Maybe its because our interpretation of certain things / events are similar...Or perhaps our personality are quite similar....Or... I also dont know...

"Princess" commented that 'the best thing about her job is that everyone outside thinks that hers' a very good company'. I guess it holds for everyone. Because no one will know that a bright red apple is full of worms unless he/she takes a bite. (Probably i should add that no one cares about the worms unless he / she is forced to eat it)..The number of worms vary, according to many factors like preference, experience, adaptability and age..(maybe the older you become, the lesser worms you see..or the older you become...you are immune to the worms)... But nonetheless...every apple has their fair share of worms...at least my apple juice seems juicer than theirs i think....

变奏曲

2008-05-30T02:49:00.000-07:00

Actually i am really wondering why certain things, after such a long (half a year) period of time, I still cant forgive myself. Or should I say, I still keep hanging on to some memories which I know i am unable to turn back to.... maybe i need a scene in "变奏曲"to know that certain things, when filled with regrets, ought to be forgotten....Because there is no way i could have turn back time and change everything to fit what i am yearning for...

In bangkok, I am deeply reminded of the Tokyo trip. There is this thing that made me feel nostalgic and sad - packets of instant mee.....and I ate one packet last night after work...Just now, I was viewing my yahoo mail and telling myself that if I can find your email address somewhere there, I will send you a mail. The contents- I dont know what I will write. I dont know if its good or bad that I cant find it..... And i dont know why I have to sent you a mail to tell you how i am feeling now when i have your number and your blog address....

This incident had really affected me a lot... really.... i dont dare to make new friends because i am afraid of hurting them with my expectations...and I am even afraid of history repeating itself...Thats why i would rather draw a line between colleagues and friends....

I dont know what i expect to get from writing this post. Neither do I think this post will change anything..just that if there's a "变奏曲", i will do anything to prevent that incident from happening...but i guess everything's too late.....

We are colleagues, not friends....

2008-05-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

About 10 years back (and suprising I still remembered it), a very popular actress (not so at that time) made this confession which created mass ripple effects. This sparked an 'inquiry' on whether there's internal conflict between the 2 of them. Now that I am in the work force, I fully agree with the statement she had made. There's absolute nothing wrong with it...

Being friends, rather than colleagues, school mates, CCA mates or whatever mates there are, encompasses something deeper. You need to accept them into your social circle, you need to accept their personality & character & strengths & flaws & mood swings, you need to have a common interest and most importantly you need to be comfortable being with them. As colleagues, its more simple. You dont need to like them, maybe you dont even need to look at them or talk to them (there's something called email); you only need to be able to work with them. Whether the outcome or process is successful or not, its subjective. And most often, its the perception of the boss that matters. If he thinks its okay, then it should be okay....

Over here, before I even know my colleagues by their name, one admin colleague had warned me that its not easy to deal with the people here. He didnt mention names (not that there is a need to as its so obvious who the problematic people are). "Snowman" is one of them (or should I say, the 'worst' among the lot). I used (its in past tense) to hate (this is an underrated verb) her a lot, especially the fact that she was (also in past tense) proud, arrogant, demanding, heartless, unsympathetic, immature, childish...The general sentiment is (in present tense) that very few people like her. I used to wonder why she & "fake sister" can be on such good terms when their character are poles apart. "Fake sister" has been helping me a lot & giving me lots of advice. It seems like whatever problems I am facing now, she had gone through them before (probably the only exception is that she had no problems getting along with "Snowman" then). Unfortunately she would be posted out in a few weeks time....

Its not to say that "snowman" has changed dramatically over these few months. Its quite surprising that when she started protraying a nicer side of her, my perception of her changed totally. Somehow, I am more accomodating towards her, I am more willing to talk to her (and resist slamming the phone), I dont have ill-feelings towards her, I can understand certain 'funny' decisions she makes, and the (worst?) thing is that I am beginning to find her gentle & cute (this is a very dangerous adjective. I seldom use this adjective to describe girls. Normally I will substitute it with 'adorable' or 'pretty'. There's one subtle difference (in my opinion)...Its a secret...haha...So far i think I only mentioned it to 'strawberry' and 'hamster' before...)

I will be heading for a short vacation trip in about 10 days time. Hopefully I can upload lots of pictures for all to see ('clemmie'..please help me with this) This trip was nearly jeopardised by her actions (not directly and certainly not intentional), but whatever, I dont hold it against her (this is a 'benefit' attached to being 'cute'). Its a 5 day trip, the language barrier might be hard to overcome (the only word I know is 'three bowls of pig legs'), nevertheless I believe i will have a good time there, especially so when she is enjoying (supposedly) herself in Japan...

Reflections - Circumstances vs Reality

2008-02-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

Now that the year of the pig is finally over, its a good time to reflect on the past year & learn from the mistakes made & move on with life. So, some defining moments in 2007 (actually its till Feb 6, 2008).

Most relaxed moment/ Day : 23rd and 24th May 2007 (Last 2 days in Tokyo). The 2 days I spent alone. I am free to go anywhere I want, without any distractions or pressure or worries (thats the most important aspect, I think). I dont know if its because I am too used to being alone that I do not like the feeling of moving around as a group. The night view of Harajuku may not be as pretty as that of Odaiba or Shinjuku (perhaps I should add that the people with me are also quite pretty as well), but at least I feel relaxed & appreciative of the beauty the nightview. (The person (s) involved would have known (by now) why I feel so terrible & irritated during the trip. There are certain things which I tried so hard to convince myself to accept it, to the point of believing that I can take things in my stride, only to realise that i cant). Thats why I feel, i can lie to anybody, but there's no way i can lie to myself successfully...

26th November 2007 : The day I officially start training (work). After 6 months of frantically searching for a job, finally embarked on one. The times spent searching had been very frustrating, like what "hamster" had said, being patient is very important. The person whom helped me pull through this ordeal, sadly, no longer regards me as a friend. ( while I was typing this, she replied to my sms that 'of course we are still friends"..true or not, I dont want to guess..or rather, I dont have the courage to guess...perhaps its similar to the Tottenham - Slavia Prague match...its a victory, but somehow it seems like a defeat)

4th May 2007 & 3rd Jan 2008 : The day our friendship started and the day it ended. Much had been said in my previous 2 postings, so I dont think there's anything I want to add. Sometimes I still think of the happy times we share our thoughts through sms or msn...and how we built up our friendship...and how we ruin it...(An important lesson to learn from it is : dont be too honest and most importantly, dont ever start of a friendship or relationship with expectations of what the other person ought to be like)

9th December 2007 : The day I changed my phone. The day I lost all my sms / photos / contact list...(dont worry, my photos are clean)...Guess its fated...some things are meant to be forgotten ...the thing is whether I can forget them..

20th Feb 2007 : The saddest day in my life so far. Had a conflict with someone whom I valued a lot...Nevertheless, everything turns out fine...Maybe its pure superstition, its taboo to quarrel or be angry at people on New Years' Day (the full 15 days)..No wonder I feel the year of the pig had not been smooth-running for me....

There are certains things which when turn back time, I will still do it again even though I know what the aftermath will be like. Its something in my character, something based on circumstances...like the emotional blackmail on 5th of April, the losing of her friendship, the exercise on 15th Feb 2008, on a macro level, its seems debatable that I did that irrational act, but on that exact circumstances alone, I dont think its irrational or wrong. I know I can be quite vicious at times, especially when I am too engrossed in a particular version of the 'truth'...On those 3 occasions, I apologise. Not because I think I am wrong, but because I hurt them with my action....

遗失的美好-完结篇

2008-01-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

这个结局，我想，在我的预料之外。对我而言，要结束一段友谊，须要很大的勇气与决心，一个无法原谅的错误，还得忘记和那人的点点滴滴，忘记她的好，忘记曾度过的快乐美好时光。友情可以随着时间而转淡，但要我在瞬间放弃，我实在做不到。

老实说，我到现在还不知道自己哪里做错了，严重到连朋友都当不成，连解释的机会都没有。我只不过要求“朋友”不要骗我，不要耍我吧了。或许这两个“基本的条件”是很难达成的。如果连朋友都信不过，我不知道还能相信谁。。。很讽刺地，在写这个post时就听到了周华健的这首歌。。。　　　　　　　

“朋友一生一起走，那些日子不再有，一句话一辈子，一生情一杯酒。。。朋友不朋友不曾孤单过，一生朋友你会懂，还有伤还有泪，还要走还有我。。。”　

虽然我们现在已不再是朋友，我依然希望你能过得比和我是朋友时还要好。希望希望如若有幸在街上遇到，你能至少和我打个招呼，给我个淡淡的微笑。。。毕竟我们曾相识过。。。　　

遗失的美好

2007-12-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

"i spent a lot of time pondering over this today... all i can say is that i really don't know what happened to result in u saying this... but it sure is painful to see it come from someone whom i thought could talk to me about anything and vice versa... "

Probably, I really overestimated the depth of our friendship. I sincerly believe that the strength of a friendship depends on various factors : the level of mutual trust, the understanding & acceptance of each other's flaws & strengths, the amount and quality of conversations.....

What do I think is our main problem? You are the first & only person whom I allowed to read my diary. Remember I told you before " I want to know a girl not because I like her, but because I think she is a very nice girl"....I am are referring to you....When we first started knowing each other, both of us conceded that we are not as good as what each other had in mind of....Till now, I still regard you as a very nice girl, a very good friend..Thats why I really dont want to lose our precious friendship, especially over 'busy-ness' or 'misunderstandings'...

I dont know if you are angry with me or upset over what I said..Sometimes, I literally take the phrase 'put myself in other's shoe' a little too far... Its not that I am not understanding enough...I just cannot accept others doing things which I think I would never have done in those circumstances...And thats why to me, being busy is never a good excuse to sweep over things that had / had not, should / should not be done...Its a matter of perspective & priority...I feel, a balance in everything is crucial....

These days, I have been continously pondering why I can accept 'rubbish bin' for constantly breaking promises but not you... ( I confirmed with him twice that his birthday party was for real and wasnt convinced until the day before when 'keio exchange' and 'princess' sms me..) The feeling of a good friend 'putting aeroplane' is horrible & I dont want to experience the disappointment of pinning for something pleasant to happen, only to realise later that its never going to happen... So I tend to treat everything as false until its proven to be true...As you know, I am very afraid of getting hurt, so at times I am ultra-defensive to protect myself...

Its not in my slightest intention to blame you for whatever that had happened. Back to the second paragraph, I think I am at fault that I am for expecting too much from you in this friendship..I really hope to continue being the 'someone who I thought could talk to me about everything and vice versa;...Its possible only if both of us put in the effort to make it work...

SHALL WE?

my lie (to myself) will go on....

2007-12-12T02:10:00.000-08:00

Lately, I took the JLPT 2 exam. Maybe 'strawberry' did indeed made a correct decision not to take it - for my standard & level of Japanese, it seems a tall order to even understand the passages in the comprehension, let alone pass it. But spending $30 on an annual exam seems worth the calculated risk, especially since I would surely have forgotten everything by the next year.

One of the reasons why I was so keen to take it was that I wanted to see my friends, those friends who took Japanese classes with me in school. Its been some time since I last saw them & was relishing this opportunity to meet them for a brief chat, especially 'rainie'...Sadly, I didnt get my wish.

Finally at 'rubbish bin' (unexpected) birthday party, I met some of them there. 'capucinno' la, 'princess' la (her "pretty-ness" seems to have gone at least one level up since she came back from the states)...., 'underground couple', 'shanghai beach' and 'keio exchange'. Actually they also took JLPT, but theirs was in Changi, so I didnt see them.

Sometimes, its quite true : you would see people whom you didnt want to see, but miss those people you really want to see.... (if you notice, there is one name missing from that above list)...I kinda feel uneasy when someone mention (that person) name, let alone seeing (this person) in flesh...Partly its because there are certain things I ought to forget & accept graciously...but despite lying to myself over the past few months (to be more accurate, its 13 months) that I can, the actual fact remains that I cant...

Thank You!!!

2007-11-23T01:40:00.000-08:00

I would like to take this opportunity to convey my appreciation & heartfelt thanx to the following people (not in any order) for their help & encouragement during those turbulent days of unemployment.

'clemmie'- thanx for letting me use your computer & internet access f.o.c, as well as your encouragement & teaching me the art of answering wierd questions in interviews.

'princess'- for recommending me to a bank & letting me know of lobangs. Also thanx a lot for your accurate & reflective thoughts which enable me to have a clearer picture to choose between job A & B, and for your encouragement on my blog as well.

'hamster'- your encouragement & comments on my blog, as well as preparing me for the interview at 'civilian is king'

'rubbish bin'- for accompanying me to the career fairs despite having a job & lending me your name as a character referee

'JQ'- for being my character referee without any reservations

'strawberry'- for introducing jobs to me. I really like your "just see what you like & email them"..hehe..

And last but not least...

'instant mee'- seems like I have lots of things to say to you, but also seems like I have nothing to say to you...maybe all thats' should be said are all written in the card I gave you...

冲上云霄。。。

2007-11-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

One of the two locations that I would love to work at is at Changi Airport. (the other being Raffles Place). So assuming I get this job, there's a chance that I would be posted there. (I should add that there's also an equal chance I will get posted to Woodlands, Tuas, HarbourFront or Lavender) I love seeing planes depart / land, the elegant nature in which it soars beyond the clouds and eventually land at a foreign land full of expectant travellers. Probably I got influenced by the TV drama "冲上云霄" ( Btw, its an interesting drama & the songs are nice (陈奕迅's cantonese version of "兄妹", but the plot is somehow unrealistic, especially the part on the aftermath of the love-triangle). A few years back, there was this direct bus service from my home to the Airport. I knew for sure this bus service wouldnt last (not many people use this service, especially from Toa Payoh onwards to the Airport), so I made sure I took it whenever I can. Till now, I cant help reminiscening the times I was there...all wonderful memories...Probably the only exception being the latest one..(What happened? Look for clues in my earlier posts..hehe)

Prior to the interview, there is a mandatory psychometric test. It comprises of a segment on testing our ability to interpret what we read (the usual true false cannot tell), a situational judgement test & a personality test. The passages in the first test are quite difficult & incomprehensible (are they testing us on our English as well?) compared to the one I took a couple of weeks ago. There were about 30 people in all, some wearing t-shirts, jeans sneakers...I was quite sure of getting an interview (I know my strengths) and sure enough I got one.

The interview format, also in some sense similiar to "DBE" are rather straight in the face. The difference lies with the fact that over here, they didnt undermine our confidence or capabilities. I was asked quite a bit on my NS experiences, and whether I was easily provoked. For the record, I gave a bad and a good lesson I learned. (In 'banana' camp, the negative aspects always have something to do with a particular guy, erm..i mean 'fruit' ...ya, there's one more, but I am not associating him with 'banana' since he 'rescued?' me from potential guard duties)..

This morning, I received a call from them to inform me that I was finally accepted into this organisation. SO HAPPY!...everything still seems so surreal & like a dream....

Lessons from 金三顺

2007-10-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

“因为我是爸爸的女儿，所以我要好好活着，嫁个好人家；我的姐姐们也有好好活着的责任。。。道营，如果一直为了因不因该追求幸福这件事整日苦恼，压力很重，最后变得像老光棍儿一样的话，你的妈妈不会就这样放过你的，不是吗？’。三顺开解道营时说的话。。

After being unemployed for such a (long) period of time, the frustration has reached its peak. To be honest, its unbearable. 三顺曾埋怨：“难道胖的女人就不是人吗？”。。我觉得:"难道fresh grads 就不是人吗？，难道没有internship,ＳＥＰ，ＵＳＰ，ｈｏｎｏｕｒｓ就不算ｇｒａｄｕａｔｅ吗？Ｉｎｔｅｒｖｉｅｗ　中会紧张会吃螺丝的就不是ｃａｐａｂｌｅ的人吗？　现实真的真的需要那么残酷吗？“....Sadly, I will never know when this nightmare will end. (nightmare may seem to be too strong a word, but I am sure 'rubbish bin' can attest to this horrible feeling). How will my_____ relatives react to me being unemployed by that supposedly joyous occasion of CNY? Or coming to terms that my friends who are in university have gone throught a full semester but I have nothing to show for? Yes..I know its still early to be thinking of that, however spending close to 5 months in the wilderness saps one's confidence and motivation. Then I came upon the above quotes........

And this in when I realised one thing :"人可以没有期望，但一定不可以对自己绝望"... So much easier said than done....

Final words of advice from 金三顺：“越是喜欢一个人，恋爱的道路就会越走越艰难，每次失败的时候总会想下次一定能成功，但是越走恋爱的路就会越艰难"... So true!...I guess the same rational holds for seeking employment too.....　

Civilian is king?

2007-10-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

When I completed my liability in 2004, I told myself I would never go back to this organisation again. The 'red tape', the experience of near-authoritarian rule by 'banana' (dispite the hoo-ha of the merits of democracy and equality). ...This situation is perhaps a little different, like what 'JQ' used to say :"Civilian is king". So it means i go back there as a king?

Actually I dont really know why on earth did I applied for this job. Out of interest? Probably (the same job scope in an entirely different environment would be a huge plus) Because of the pay? Erm... I dont know whats the starting pay like, but I think its better than the private sector. What else?? (I am very glad the interviewers didnt ask me this question)

I wasnt really in my right sense of mind when I did the cognitive test. (I was having a real bad flu) Nevertheless, I earned (?) myself an interview. The lady who called me was confused by me. (Our interpretation of next wednesday results in 2 different dates, none of which was correct). 'Hamster' warned me that the questions asked during the interview might be rather wierd. (It cant be wierder than those at DBE right) Anyway, if they ask me the same questions, I am sure I know how to answer them well. (Thanx to 'clemmie' who taught (or rather refreshed) me the act of crapping)

The crux of what transpired that day was not so much about the interview itself. Prior to the interview, a gal gave me a basic guideline of the rules & expectations. The thing is, she looked like 'capaccino'. (She is a little taller and plumer, but her smile is nowhere as sweet as 'capaccino') Regarding the rules, I found one of them quite discriminatory & unneccessary, which requires one to declare if he/she is a homosexual or has homosexual tendencies. She explained that this declaration wouldnt be a factor in determining if one gets accepted into the organisation or not. I just feel the stigma towards them continues....

The interview itself was surprisingly carefree, pressure-less and interesting. Unlike 'hamster' experience, there wasnt any wierd questions. There were also quite a bit of laughter in the room and the 3 interviewers helped me out when I struggled to answer the questions or diverted to somewhere else. I have this feeling that they are more concerned with my knowledge of regional affairs & analytical capabilities (assuming I have) than my character.

On the way out, I saw someone who resembles 'bittergould' and she gave me a smile when she caught me looking at her. ( I really thought its her, but according to 'rubbish bin', she had gone to study abroad already) The prospects of 'Capaccino' and 'bittergould' working in the same place? Nah...There's uwasa (rumour) that 'bittergould' doesnt like 'capaccino' ( I have no idea its true or not) Me, capaccino & bittergould working in the same place? Sounds interesting!!!!!...But I guess the chances of that happening is diminishing with every passing second.

**Writer's note: This post was done in a rather casual and optimistic way (it was written like 2 weeks plus ago) The next post will be entirely different as it describes the reality...

technology suaku wants to change hp, but everything's so chim...

2007-10-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

I believe after i write down everything, there will be more question marks than answers. A hp main purpose (by right) is to call people & SMS. Thats what I use my N7260 for. The camera function and radio are just "add-on" items (Think of it as value-added-ness), but in today's technological advancement, these are bare essentials. I think i am still living in the medieval age since i absolutely have no idea what many terms mean (bluetooth, WIFI etc) I dont even know how to use infra-red (maybe its because i didnt read the catalogue or instruction booklet)

Actually I didnt want to change hp, but my charger & ear-piece are near-spoilt. So I think its more economic to get a new hp then to get a replacement for those items. So what caught my eye- samsung ultra edition 12.1, 10.9, sony ericsson w660i & w850i, which ironically are of the same price. The main differences are ultra 12.1- camera good, design very nice but no radio, ultra 10.9- camera good, got radio but not 3G. Both the ericsson phones are similar ( I mean the 4 bare essentials), basically got everything but i dont quite like the design.

Me being a suaku, what exactly is 3G? I know it means we can call/ sms home directly from abroad. And then? How about 3.5G? And what does bluetooth and WIFI do to the phone? All phones come with MP3, but where/ how to download songs? (I know from internet, but where exactly?) How to transfer pics from hp to computer? Some phones can surf internet, but how come I dont see a mouse? So many questions, so little answers....

I kinda wanted to get an iPOD in Tokyo, but when I asked 'clemmie' via MSN how to use it, he gave a rather vague response (to me, in technological stuffs, everything's vague unless its step by step) So i didnt bought it, too chim for me. I think 'starfruit' nearly vommited blood when I bugged him on how to use a digital camera & what those mega pixes and optical zoom means (dont blame me okay, 'capuccino' praised you for being a technology expert, so thats why I asked you)

With so many question marks hanging over my head, I am very undecided over which one to choose. I prefer the samsung phones though, but they remind me of a particular football team which.....

原来　interview 那么伤，比想象中还难。。。

2007-09-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

2 weeks ago, I was shortlisted for a pre-interview briefing session at a civil sector organisation "DBE". There were about 14 people (8 girls 4 guys) at the briefing where we were given more details about the organisation & the job scope. The DBE officers there are rather friendly and open (unlike the stern look on mass media). We had a private 15/30 mins or so with an assigned DBE officer who talked to us about his/her experience in DBE & address any queries we had. Then we had to write 2 essays, one was about our knowledge of the organisation & the job scope, the other one was about our expectations & aspirations. Earlier, we were told that only successful candidates would be selected for an interview, but the highest ranking officer in the room recommended that all of us be interview the following week so that they can know more about everyone of us.

My interview was at 2.30, but waited until like 3 plus. (I was the first to be interviewed) At the waiting area, I met 3 others whose appointment is at 3 and 3.30 respeectively. Among them was a fellow econs fresh grad 'Huixian' (She looked a bit like that gal from CSS2 when she smiles) who also faced difficulties finding a job. (Is it a universal problem or just MY problem?) She mentioned that her other econs grad friends are mostly into contract-based jobs (about 6 month term)

There were 6 people chairing the interview, but only the 3 higher -ranking officers spoken. (The manpower head seems familiar, I kept wondering where I saw him before during the interview) The questions were very direct and "in your face", like "your past job applications didnt succeed, dont you think there's something wrong with you?" "You only got a 'good' in conduct during NS, which was not so good a grade, do you think its justifiable?" "Did you ask them why you got such a rating?" I felt that my replies to the last 2 questions are the best among all the other questions, which says a lot about my performance in the interview.

From what 'Huixian' told me, hers isnt much better. She got questions like "Jiafeigou and you have the same qualifications. Who do you think we should pick for this job?" She was also persistently questioned (or rather, suspected) about her suitability & capability for this job (me too!)( The key word is 'persistently')

The co-ordinator (sorry, I dont recognise his rank, but it looks like 2 diamonds) overheard our conversation & told us that its the norm. The interviewers want to know how we would react to such (wierd) questions to better evaluate us. Perhaps to them, this is the best way to reduce assymetric information. I agree. No one can prepare themselves adequately to these type of questions, which would (inevitably) disclose more about our personality and character than those 'normal' questions.

To further reduce assymetric information, two character referees is a must. (I feel this adds to the assymetric information though) "Huixian" got her friends, me too. Really thanx a lot to 'JQ' and 'rubbish bin' for bailing me out. ( I really hope DBE wouldnt call them) I didnt want to ask "上手san" despite the the fact that I took her modules for 2 years consecutively. Why? I used to like her, but after what happened during the last module, I began to have doubts on her teaching methods & her 'carefully-crafted statements'. And I believe both 'JQ' and 'rubbish bin' are able to give a more accurate & reflective description / opinion of me than her. At the very least, I am sure they would not be so honne / tatemae to the extent of saying that I am good in my spoken Japanese (unlike someone)....

My bum is hurting....

2007-09-18T02:39:00.000-07:00

It has been like 3 months since I last went down to East Coast Park. Used to cycle when I am there, but this time a strange though entered my head- why not try rollerblading?
I figured I might need at most 15 minutes to familiarise myself with those wheels, based on the fact that I had done it before when I am in secondary school. (on flat ground, not humps or slopes) Sometimes (or rather most of the time), reality is vastly different from past experiences. I struggled and struggled, fell and fell....Not that my 'coach' isnt good (I only remember his 'v shape' and the fact that the steps and movements are 'natural'), not that being a saturday the human traffic flow is more busy (its just more 'obstacles'), the main reason is that whenever I think I am going to fall / will fall, I always fall. It doesnt help that the blades keep moving outwards (my 'coach cant explain why it happened)
This episode reminds me of the time "princess" leant riding a bike. The 'trauma' and 'panicking' are comparable, but she had two (good) coaches. (erm..maybe not...I think I also keep emphasising that its natural too) But at least in the end, she managed to overcome the difficulties with her mental strength and could cycle quite well. Me leh? I saw so many young kids learning to blade but despite falling down many times, they never gave up. (or rather, I didnt witness them giving up) This is where I think I should learn from them....

JLPT 2....Here I come!!....

2007-08-29T02:57:00.000-07:00

Registered for the JLPT 2 exam last week. $30, plus a dollar for the application form. I was so blur that I forgot to write my chinese name on both the application form and on the test voucher (at least its consistent). Its inconsequential though, since only my english name will be on the certificate (thats assuming that I pass). "Strawberry" and "instant mee" are quite skeptical of passing the exam, especially since by the time of the exam, we would be have been detached from Japanese classes by a full 7 months. I am quite confident of passing though, and I believe that as long as we revise our jap 5 notes & the white & green books, its pass-able.
There were 2 ladies manning the reception. One was quite friendly and consumer-oriented, the other was..ahem..(just as "Miss Tan" puts it, typical Singaporean customer service)(Note: Its singaporean, not singapore) There's no prep course for JLPT 1 & when I asked her about the advance classes (there are 3 degree of advance courses), she replied with a cold 'all full' I wanted to know in the event I got JLPT 2, which class I should register for next year. She gave a vague & nonchalent reply, which was barely audible. Forget it la, she doesnt seem to have much interest & knowledge in her 'products', which greatly puts me off. She had just turned away a potential customer...

好朋友

2007-08-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

Met up with "gambler" for dinner last night. Sometimes, I dont really understand the defition of " good friends" and " friends". Good friends can mean anything from 暧昧to the "we are good friends" in a common rejection statement. To me, good friends are friends whom I am not only close (an ambiguous term) to, but also someone who understands me, and most importantly, we must be comfortable with each other be it talking on the phone or meeting up for a chat or meal.
I remembered very clearly on one occasion which was the saddest day of my life. I had an argument with someone whom really matters a lot to me and I wanted to talk to a close friend who understands "the situation". "Strawberry" was out with her friends and I only managed to talk to her after midnight. She makes me feel a lot better and even though she is tired, she still made sure I am alright before hanging uo. She is a true good friend indeed.
Compare it to this scenario. You saw a "friend". "Hey! Havent seen you for quite some time. How are you?" "Fine. And you?" "I am fine too". Then, there's a bit of awkward silence. "Sorry, I am in a rush, chat with you some other time". You may most probably never meet that "friend" again, and even if you do, the situation repeats itself. Hamster labelled them "Hi bye friends".
Back in my NUS days (it seems like centuries ago), I have great difficulty in finding lunch kakis. Its not just me, social butterfly like "Miss Tan" and "Hamster" are also forced to eat alone at times. Maybe its hard to find a common lunchtime which we are free to meet. I feels it more of a "want to meet" rather than "can meet". Take me & "Hamster" for an example. Even though we are in Arts, our major & timetable & modules are completely different. We have our own share of project meetings, make-up lectures or whatever interruptions that could arise. But (surprisingly) we always manage to meet for a chat & lunch no matter how "busy" we are. Perhaps this is an exception rather than the norm.
To me, being "busy" is a very invalid excuse. Be it handling in assignments late to not being attached, "busy" is an over-used & convenient excuse. It really depends on how one manage their time. Yes, yes, I know some people are busy to the extent of having no time for meals & lack of sleep. But if you were to tell me that you cannot spare even 3 minutes or so replying to me SMS, or during the vacation period you cant even spare at most 3 hours to meet this "friend" of yours for a meal, it really says volume. I really dont want to lose friends due to "busy-ness", especially those whom I really cherish their friendship. "Capuccino" & "instant mee", I am really starting to feel we are drifting apart, apart & apart.....

Steamboat

2007-08-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

Organised a steamboat gathering with the people in the Jap 5 Class. Its such a nice feeling to meet up with them and chat with them. The people in the Class can be seen as the ingredients in a steamboat, all of us so different in character and mentality, only to be bonded together by a common theme. (is that a very apt description???) Thats why i feel very happy and glad that we can gel together and they took the effort to come for this outing.kokoro kara kansha shimasu!....especially to "baggy pants" and "capuccino" whose reply makes me feel very appreciated..Some thoughts and words I would like to say to some friends, but i lack the opportunity and conversation-starter to do so..

Bittergould...I was (not am) rather disappointed that you changed your mind about coming. I really feel that with you around, our conversations will be much more interesting and exciting. You told me that you had something on, but according to "rubbish bin" u told him u decided not to come because ' u are not close to the people coming'. The same people who went for a similar one 3 months back, with the exception of "princess"..I really thought u got along quite well with "baggy pants", "rubbish bin" and maybe me..maybe i am wrong.. Perhaps u were (are) upset that we (I) didnt attend the outing that u organised and hence feel discouraged....

"Strawberry"...Thanx a lot for the advice u had given me...especially the one telling me to be more patient in dealing with matters (esp in r/s matters).... Hope you made a right choice in going into teaching... Can I call u 'Mrs Ang' soon...hehe..

"Capuccino"... First and foremost I would like to apologise to u for some wierd and nonsenical sms i sent to u..got misled(a safer word would be 'told') by someone that you have a bf..SORRY!...But I do hope u get a bf soon..so that u can experience the joy and happiness of having someone beloved to love u and care for u...

I am not ALONE in this predicament

2007-07-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

I used to wonder if I am taking too long to get a job ( I am STILL unemployed)...especially since "instant mee" and "strawberry" have got theirs. But after what I saw/heard/felt yesterday, I think its the NORM to be STILL unemployed, hence no cause for worries ("instant mee" has been reasurring me that I confirm will be able to get a job I like soon..Thanx a lot!I appreciate it)
This is what I found out yesterday. I was short-listed for a briefing cum discussion by a Japanese Bank for their graduate training programme. The HR personnel told us that we are among the 60 selected out of near 900 applicants (I have serious doubts that the '900' figure is inflated)..I saw one guy who had a certificate stating he was on the dean's list. It seems that those shortlisted are from the 3 universities and are majoring in finance, accounting or economics. Chatted with some people, and realised that everyone is facing the same problem of not being able to get a job. Actually, I dont understand why the bank short-listed me, when everyone there obviously have better qualifications than me (Maybe i am the cut-off point)( I only have 5 certificates, others file theirs in clear-folders). Perhaps to some extent, my JLPT certificate helps.

An interesting observation

2007-06-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Went for another interview this morning. Its chaired by the Executive Director and 2 other personnel, which seems more formal. I think I "performed" much better than the first interview. The questions they asked are not really that easy, and they keep emphasising on excellent spoken and written english which I think I do not possess. But I am very glad and happy at the way I answered their questions. It showed something : I can think during interviews.
I saw 2 girls over there who are applying for the same job as me. One was an E-lang & E-Lit graduate. She seems to fit the bill of having excellent communication skills. The other one was a gentle, sweet-looking gal. Do looks matter when applying for jobs? I think so, to some extent.
I was asked one particular question which struck me deeply. He asked me why I did not apply for a job in a bank, given that I major in economics, and choose something which is related to social work (I didnt prepare at all for this question). I answered that I no doubt like working in a bank, but I prefer the experience of interacting with the heartlanders and people of all level rather than solely with corporations and institutions. Furthermore, I would like to do my part for the society (its true!) and this job provides me with the opportunity to do so. (Then why on earth did I choose to major in Econs than in Social Work??)
Another thing was that I told him that I rate my English as 'good', not 'excellent'. This might prove to be a real disadvantage. Imagine my horror when I heard the following statement by a graduate "I want to get something that shows that I am a graduate"....

a glimmer of rainbow

2007-06-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

The rainbow always appear after a heavy downpour. And those who are patient enough to wait for the rain to stop, will be able to appreciate the beauty of the rainbow. In real life, this tells us as long as we never give up amidst the pain and hardship, we will be able to enjoy the benefits.
Much thanks to "instant mee" and "starfruit" , i (finally) managed to sort out my thinkings. I saw a job posting on the newspaper which is the type she was looking for, and sms-ed her about it. She replied that she will be "doing honours" and thanked me for letting her know. I guess we are still friends...
Went for an interview yesterday. 2 guys, 4 gals applying for 2 vacancies. The gals wore quite casually though, something which i dont really understand why for the same job application guys are supposed to wear so formally. Same thing as the mock-interview in Japanese 4, my brain went dead the moment i entered the interview room. The good thing is i can still reply to whatever that was being asked (though my english and sentence structure are kinda suspect). Then all of a sudden, the interviewer started asking me in chinese. My mandarin isnt that bad, but i have problems answering her (simple) questions. This is where I started mixing mandarin with english....OMG!!... And i am sure I didnt get the job...

I am wierd???

2007-06-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

A week has passed since my last blogging, and still there is nothing to show for in my job-hunting. Its kinda difficult, I understand, since many companies prefer to employ people with experience. Nevertheless, i will continue to try my best and search for a job that I like.
Someone replied to my sms last night, asking (thats a very polite word.. a better word would be 'demanding', but somehow it seems too strong) me to 'find a job to keep myself buzy then my mind wouldnt be so sensitive yah'.. somehow, i cant establish a link between finding a job and being sensitive.
She (yes its a her, and a pretty gal) said that ' i like to send her wierd messages' and its 'scary sia..i tired need to sleep'... For the records, I only said that I treasure the friendship and hope that we are still friends despite whatever unhappy stuffs that might had happened in..(in a city that starts with T and ends with O) Am i wrong to ask for a confirmation about that??? Probably 'Strawberry' is right. Our reactions to many things are very different, hence its too easy to misunderstand each other. But come on, at least talk things through in an amicable manner right..why get so defensive..I really really dont understand...Can my friends who are reading this please comment...let me know if i over-reacted or like what she had said...I am wierd...Thanx...

Back in Singapore

2007-06-04T03:16:00.001-07:00

Shibuya

Yoyogi Park

At Meiji Shrine in Harajuku

Quite a number of my friends had asked me if I enjoyed the Tokyo trip. I think I gave out a lot of different answers.. I felt that the answers i gave "strawberry" and "instant mee" are most reflective of my feelings. I didnt mean to lie to the others, i just dont know how to describe my feelings.Its complicated.

At the airport, saw something which upsets me... A taxi tout, smart and well-dressed approached a foreigner, asking him 'go where?'. He replied 'Grand Hyatt'. The taxi tout said ' $35'..A deal was on the making, but I am very glad that 2 Cisco policeman stepped in...

Gotta find a job now...Just sent out applications to two companies, hope at least one call me up for an interview (maybe i am too optimistic oredi)..

Last few moments in Tokyo

2007-05-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

5 more hours to go before my flight from Narita takes off. Planned to buy strawberry(the fruit, not the nickname), but in the end couldnt resist the temptation and got another pair of shoes. Very tired now, the soles of my feet are aching. 8 days in tokyo is just right, went every place i wanted to go (except Tokyo Tower). ..And that still includes going Akihabara twice...

Last night in Tokyo

2007-05-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the day all the 'fun' will be gone, where we will carry our tired bodies reluctantly back to Singapore. I am glad I enjoyed myself over the 8 days here, especially with such nice people like capuccino and starfruit who tolerated my wilfullness, unpredictablity and my over-sensitivity. Its really not easy to go on a trip with friends due to differences in likes and places they want to go. Actually I think we sorted this out quite well, probably except for the Akihabara incident. It still hurts now....

Today, Capuccino went with Starfruit to Disneyland. I have a free-day by myself where I went to the museum in Ueno park, which also has a special exhibition of the works of Leonardo. Only recognised the Mona Lisa and the Last Dinner. Didnt understand and dont know how to appreciate the works and exhibits though.

I took the JR and was approached by a non-uniformed policeman at Tokyo Station. Initially thought that he wants me to do a survey or ask for directions, so ignored him totally. Later then he identified himself as a policeman He asked me where I was going to and also wanted to see my passport. He seems quite surprised I am a Singaporean...

The Imperial Garden is basically a garden. The weather was super hot, by Japan standards. Couldnt really catch a glimpse of the Imperial Palace ( there were other monuments around)..Took a long long walk to Yasukuni Jinja...Quite a good place to visit. Its quite nice...Also went down to the Tokyo Dome. Unfortunately, the interior of the dome is not open to the public since there are no performances going on. Adventure rides are available, which looks very scary but exciting ( I heard tonnes of screaming). Bought a pair of shoes and a jacket over at the shopping center there.

Returned to Omotesando and Harajuku, but was quite late by then. Did some walking along the streets, but by the time I reached the Snoppy shop and the Laforet, its already closed (Both shops closed at 8)..Did I mention that this is the 2nd time i am back at Harajuku??...Some people ( Yes...I mean 3 people) can go back Shinjuku for two times to shop around a particular area but i cant even go back Akihabara twice to get what I went...what logic is this.....

Day 7...

2007-05-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

Starfruit and me went to the Meiji Jingu in Harajuku, followed by a trip to nearby Yoyogi Park. Met up with a friend who came over to Keio university for an exchange program. Lastly, we head to the Kabuki-cho. Saw quite a lot of 'hosts' dressed in black, who approached gals who are alone, asking them if they want 'companionship'. Didnt find them very handsome though...

Day 6 in tokyo

2007-05-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Capuccino's friend, today was planned to go Waseda University to have a look at the campus. Its hard to say if we are suay or lucky, the school will be closed for a week due to an outbreak of measles. We still managed to go into the area and have a look, but its only limited to a very small common area.

Reached Akihabara at about 4 plus. Walked around the area searching for that shop Capuccino and Starfruit bought their digital camera. Capuccino made a comment which made me feel rather uneasy. She said that I do not care about the troubles of others (it takes time to find the shop). I talked to her and knew that she didnt mean it...but i still feel hurt...

5th day in Tokyo

2007-05-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

Capuccino is meeting her waseda "friend" ( I cant find an appropriate word to describe their " friendship"), so basically its free and easy for me and Starfruit.

First place we went to is Ameyoko, an area near to Ueno park. Its similar to a pasam malam where everything can be bought there, from strawberries to bags to clothes etc...

Next on the list is Shimokitazawa. Its worth a visit there despite having to change trains at Shinjuku. The streets there sell clothes and also bags, which are much more unique and nice compared to Shinjuku. The prices there are somehow slightly cheaper. Bought a very nice white bag there for 4000 yen.

Passed by Shinbashi on the way to Tokyo Bay. Even though it looks happening when we by-pass there a couple of days ago, today was rather quiet. The shops there also like nothing much.

Went back to Tokyo Bay again for the Onsen. The onsen was quite nice as a whole, but felt that the heat was rather uncomfortable. Couldnt get used to the heat. A good experience though, but I dont think I will ever step into an onsen again.

Thanx to Capuccino and her Waseda "friend", we are going to visit the Waseda University tomorrow!...

Day 4 in Japan

2007-05-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

Places went today

1) Asakusa. There is a matsuri (festival) over the weekends which was super interesting. Men and women and even children carry portable shrines around the area. Reminds me of the thaipusam festival in singapore. Went to the temple and bought some lucky amulets. The nakamise was also very happening.

2) Shibuya. Wanted to go to the 100 yen building, but unfortunately realised that the building is closed after looking for it for a long time. Its not easy moving around the area. Think I will go back there again when starfruit and cupaccino goes to Disneyland. I want to go to the 109 building and the recofan CD shop.

3) Harajuku. The takeshita dori is like bugis, with lots of different shops selling apparels. Bought a t-shirt from there. Liked this place very much.

4) Shinjuku. Went with starfruit. Just walked around the area. Intended to go and have a look at the kabuki-cho, but the soles of my feet are hurting badly, so cannot go until that far. Zannen desu ne!...

Day 3 in Tokyo

2007-05-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

Day 3 was quite bad. Intended to go Imperial Garden, but upon reaching Tokyo station, took a hell lot of time to find a money-changer. It was already 12.45pm by then. Wanting to catch the seal show @ 2.30 and the dolphin show @ 3.30 at shinagawa aquarium, we left for Oimachi immediately. There goes another chance to visit the imperial garden. Guess its fated. Upon reaching Oimachi, the free bus bringing us to the aquarium just left. Thinking that the next one will depart in half an hour, we went walk walk for a while. Unfortunately... we miss that as well and have to wait 1 hour for the next bus to arrive. We finally arrived there at around 2.45pm. The fishes in the aquarium are very pretty and interesting, the descriptions of those fishes are all in Japanese, and I am really glad that I can understand what was written. The dolphin show was fantastic, but this time round, couldnt catch what the presenter was saying at all. This shows that we can read and write, but couldnt speak and listen in Japanese.
Headed to Tokyo Bay next. Its a must go area for people intending to go Japan (Strawberry, pls take note). The Yurikamone line goes onto the Rainbow Bridge, along the way the scenary is beautiful. Went up to Fuji-TV world to take pictures of the Rainbow Bridge and the surrounding area (Its recommended to go at night as the light-up on and around Rainbow Bridge is really stunning). Went Joypolis, then to the ferries wheel. Rather upset that I lack the courage to go onboard the ferries wheel ( I am scared on heights)...This is NOT the only thing I lack courage on...

東京の第二日

2007-05-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

My second day in Tokyo is so much better than the first. Yesterday, we only managed to reach our inn at around 5pm, and after some packing and adjustments, we set off for Ueno station. We figured out that its quite late to go anywhere else since in japan most shops close at 8, and we also wanted to familize ourselves with the vicinity. Ueno station is linked by quite a few metro lines, so its easier and worthwhile to take a 10 minutes walk from there rather than changing into another metro line. The streets around Ueno are similar to those at Bugis, quite a number selling clothes and barang barang. Had dinner at a curry stall, quite nice and its cheaper than expected.
Today, it rained. Planned to go imperial garden, but felt that its quite troublesome to hold an umbrella and walk around, so went to Shinjuku instead. The metro was great, I would say its so much better than Singapore. The seats are more comfy, there's a carriage which has weaker air-conditioning, and furthermore the names of the stations are announced and also visible through a screen which is in kanji, hiragana and english, and also showed other metro lines which we can change to. I can still remember those times when tourists took the MRT from Changi Airport and arrived at Tanah Merah, not knowing what to do when other passengers alight. The blur look on their face says it all.
Places I went: Shinjuku ( odakyuu, toukyuu hands, takashimaya) ate at a Western fast-food called Wendy's, quite a few problems understanding what the cashier was trying to ask me. Akihabara. The electronic stuffs seem much more high-tech and cheaper compared to singapore. A big dilemma whether to buy a 7.2 mega-pixels digital camera that cost about 200 sing dollars. Wanted to buy an MP3, but being a super computer-dinosaur, was really afraid that I would not know how to use it (I mean in all aspects, from downloading to listening). Roppongi. Walked a bit around the streets, and had a drink at the Hard Rock Cafe. Reminds me of Boat Quay..

DESTINY, 命运，運命（うんめい）

2007-04-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

I dont believe in destiny, cos i feel that its up to us to be in control of what we can and will achieve in the future. Some people however feel that one's destiny is pre-determined. Somehow, its too passive.
When i entered the exam hall at 9.30am, i was somehow surprised that one gal was sitting on my seat. Probably i got the seat number wrong. So i went to check. Correct leh. I told the invigilators (i am being super polite here) who expressed disbelief. We went to check together, and they were stun and dont have a clue as to what to do in this situation. They just stare blankly at each other ( "hamster" reasoned that its a bureaucratic-response). I am glad the prof came quickly and took the initiative to find out the problem. The prof wanted the gal to go back to her seat, but i felt it was too troublesome cos she was in the midst of an essay (how i know??) and her barang barang was all over the place. I suggested that i took the gal's orginal seat instead. He at first said 'no', but agreed after some thinking. I am very glad that he is flexible enough to accept this unconventional method..
After the exam, I asked the prof why this 'loop-hole' could have happened. He told me that since it was raining (heavily) and people were coming in late, they ( can the other invigilators make the decision??) only checked the identity of the students after 30 minutes ( I came in at 9.30.. or maybe its 9.29 when i went in). Okay. Its very rare something like this happened.
I was rather exasperated that the gal took my seat despite knowing where she should be sitting. Why did she bo-chap to such an extent, why didnt she consider the external costs of her action. Or is the feng-shui of my seat very good?.. Probably only she can answer it... I thought the most basic and natural thing she could do is to apologise to me through email, but she didnt...sadly...

First time i am 30 mins late for my exam...and its NOT bcoz i overslept

2007-04-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Like what "hamster" had said, its really DESTINY that i am late for 30 minutes. Here's why..I had a 9am exam at Eusoff hall. There are 2 buses i could take, 188 or 189. Its at different bus-stops, so I cant simulateously wait for both buses at the same time. The duration (by right) should be around 30 minutes. My rational (or should i say irrational) thoughts is like this: If i take 188, it is expected to have a jam from clementi fire station, clementi ave 6 and the worst is at AYE. If i take 189, there's a bad jam at exit of PIE (at clement ave 6) and also clementi ave 6. With this in mind, i choose the so-called lesser of the two evils and waited for 189. Big Bad Mistake.
I waited for 15 minutes for the first 189, which arrived at 8.15. It was too packed, so the driver refused to stop. I can wait for another one, which most likely will come at 8.30, or i can take a 3 minute walk to take 188 instead. Too fearful of the AYE jam, i choose to walk down to the previous 189 bus stop, and on the way keep a look-out for taxis (悪循環’s 一番友達)...As expected, no available taxis and the 8.30 189 also refused to stop. Somehow i feel that as long as i can get a cab by 8.40am, I shouldnt be late.
8.40am..TWO (yes, its two) 189 came together. So if i want, i can take it and end up being late at most by 15 mins. But no, i insist on a cab..i want to take whatever little chance i have.. Still no cab.. so i walked (i didnt panic) down to Bukit Batok MRT to wait. Finally got one @ 8.50am.. I should really commend the driver, he really kept to the speed limit of 70km/h. The route that he choose was the 188 route. And guess what, there was only a mild jam @ clementi avenue 6 and AYE. I finally reached school @ 9.30
Thats not the end of the story....

a 'NEW" beginning...but i really dun want the end to 'end'

2007-04-23T00:59:00.000-07:00

Somehow, i am fearful of a new beginning. A new beginning means venturing into the mysterious, mystic, dog-eat-dog arena of working society. Maybe its right to say that my heart and mentality still lies with my student life. Reluctant as I sound, i know its near impossible for me NOT to work. I need the money....
Perhaps I didnt really cherish my student life. My studies is in a mess, my CAP is like quite bad, and its now 30 minutes to my first exam and i am STILL typing this blog..Falling asleep in class, daydreaming (especially in "上手さん" class) and talking during class (my fravorite)..And i dont understand why "strawberry" and I would keep talking in English during Japanese classes and tries to speak in Japanese outside the class. I am beginning to miss those memories...
My friends. One thing that still hurts me now is the way i hurt 'starfruit' with my actions. Probably, i still cant forgive myself for leaving him with a 'take-it-or-leave-it' scenario. I tried, i really tried to minimise the severity of what i did, but in the end....
I think this statement is very true... 人要等到失去后才会懂得如何珍；懂得后悔的滋味才会学会满足...

最後のposting,最後の気持ち。。。

2007-04-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

先日、”strawberry"は私に日本語５を取ったのは悔やむかどうかと聞きました。考えた末で、”はい”と答えました。どうして？私と"Rainie"と"Strawberry"の意見は同じです。いくら大変でも、日本語５はいくら難しくても、実はあきらめたくないです。”ゴミ箱”はその意義がある文と言ったことがあります。”興味だという理由で、日本語を習います。成績は必要じゃない、大切なことは楽しい時間を過ごしました。”私はクラスに楽しいでしょうか？？？わかりません。時々，道を迷子ぐらい先生の話がさっぱりわかりません。試験のフォマト(format)や、オラウ(oral)や。。。。
　私たちもクラスの不公平の制度のせいで、疲れました。どうしてJLPT１とJLPT2が合格した学生は日本語５をうけるか。。。"Baggy pants"に説明してもらうと、分かりますが、この制度に賛成じゃありません。
　でも楽しいこともあります。皆さんを知って以来、幸せになり、心から満足です。卒業しても、クラスの面白いことや皆さんの様子を忘れないつもりです。

私は地球を守るためにできること

2007-04-17T20:30:00.001-07:00

地球を守るために、なるべくピニール袋を使わないようにしている。暑くてたまらなければ、エアコンをつけるべきじゃない。シンガポール人は暑さが怖いことから、エアコンを使わない限り、死にそうな気持ちになる。その上、シンガポールの経済力が増すに伴って、シンガポール人の要求や期待が高くなる。それだったら、地球を守るのは無理だと思う。

インターネットをどのように利用すべきか

2007-04-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

インターネットの悪い影響はインターネットに関するゲームで中毒になって、勉強したくなることだ。子供もポルノを見ることが可能なばかりでなく、悪い情報が読める。よい影響はいろいろな情報を探すやすくて、プロジェクトをはじめ、宿題をするのに便利である。
　　正しく利用するために、両親に監督しながら、正しい使い方を教えてもらうべきである。できれば、ポルノやら暴力やらが見られるページを妨げるべきである。

住宅事情

2007-04-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

私の住宅の側に小学校と中学校がある。小学生は無邪気だが、うるさい。中学生は年を取るにつれて、考えが変わると、制服を着ながら，タバコを吸うばかりでなく、親しすぎる。このごろの子供は悪くなっているようだ。
　　私の住宅の近くに公園もある。毎朝、老人はここでゆっくり散歩して、タイーチ(Taichi)を練習している。タイーチは健康のためにする運動である。タイーチは老人にもっと人気があるようだ。その上、犬と一緒にジョギングする人も多い。

私とお正月

2007-04-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

お正月には楽しいはずなのに、私は二つのことが嫌いです。親戚はお正月の度に、「なぜ彼女がいないのか」と批判します。私はその質問ほど嫌いなことはありません。それに親戚に女性の友達を紹介してもらえばいいと言われて、不気味だと感じました。友達に私の悩みを話すと、友達の親類は勉強のこときり質問しないので、羨ましくてたまりません。

その上、親戚はお正月のお祝いにシャークフィン（shark’s fin）をたべます。私はシャークフィンの作り方が残酷だと感じることから、シャークがかわいそうなので、皆は食べないほうがいいと言いました。でも親戚は一年に一度しか食べない上、お正月の習慣なので、シャークの苦しみを考えません。この考えはよくないでしょう。シンガポール人は、この残酷な習慣は毎年つつくに違いありません。私たちが幸せになるために、他の人や動物の苦しみを考えない、お正月は意義がないと感じています。

楽しいことも二つあります。私のマジョングーカキ（mahjong kaki) はオーストラリアやカナダで勉強しているので、マジョングをする機会がありません。お正月に、親戚と並んで、マジョングをしながら、ポイントを交換しました。ちょっと負けたにもかかわらず、楽しい時間を過ごしました。最近のニュースによると、コミュニテイセンタ(Community Center)は寄付を集めるために、マジョングの試合が行われたかったそうです。シンガポール人がやめようと訴えたあげくに、この計画は中止に決まりました。その例からして、シンガポール人は保守派だと思います。

レストランで食事した時、新しいことを学びました。私の友達の大半は手を使わないことには、蝦の殻がとれません。そのうちに、私は初めてフォークとはしで殻をとってみました。始めは簡単どころか、日本語のテストぐらい難しかったです。幸いなことに、心を込めて、とうとうできました。心を込めるためで、蝦はおいしかったようです。

バレンタイン．デーについて

2007-02-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

去年のバレンタイン．デーに”strawberry”は私が彼女が欲しいかどうかと聞きました。私は「欲しかったら、どうすればいいですか」と答えました。最後に”strawberry”はプレゼントをあげたらいいと言いました。私は好きな人がいなかったので，バレンタイン・デーの意味もかまわず、普通の日っぽく過ごしました。それで、プレゼントはもとより、デートもありませんでした。

　　　　私は以前のバレンタインデーにも一人で過ごしました。中学生のときから、私のクラスの友達はこの日に好きな女性に自分の気持ちを告白するために、贈り物をします。そのときの私は自信が足りなかったので、相手が好きでも、追いかけませんでした。今はとても後悔しています。バレンタイン・デーに恋人がいる人は幸せそうな一方で、恋人がいない人は悲しそうです。バレンタイン・デーの度に、ばらやら熊やらチョコレートを持ったカップルがたくさんいるので、見ると、寂しいと感じます。自分には何かが不足しているような感じがします。でもバレンタイン．デーのレストランの食事とかばらなどの値段は普通の日と比べて、もっと高いです。ロマンチックですが、贅沢だと思います。

今年のバレンタイン．デーに初めて友達にチョコレートとともにカードをあげます。カードには友達に対する気持ちを書きました。”strawberry”によると、バレンタイン．デーは友達の日（friendship day）だということです。その友達がいつも私に親切してくれて、言え切れないくらい感動しています。大学時代を通して、友達を知って以来、幸せになり、心から満足です。たとえ卒業しても、長い間会わなくても、わたしの希望は私たちが永遠の友達でいることです。私はこの考えを信じています。

私の性格

2007-02-09T03:12:00.000-08:00

私の性格は犬のタイプだと思う。家でカプで水を飲むとき、カプを持つ代わりに、直接口に入れる。母に私はいわば犬の飲み方だと言われた。その上、私は怒っても叫ぶだけで、めったにけんかしない。犬と猫に比べて、犬は叫ぶのに、人を傷つけない。

***犬は持ち主に対して忠実(ちゅうじつ）（loyal)です、私も恋人に対して忠実つもりだ。(笑う、笑う）

健康被害ー近眼

2007-02-09T03:01:00.000-08:00

最近たくさんの子供が近眼になる恐れがある。コンピュータを使い過ぎるので、目が悪くなった。コンピュータを使っている最中に外の緑の物を見るべきであろう。ベドで本やら新聞やらを読まないほうがいいだろう。健康のために、毎年一回以上医者に行きさえすればいいと思う。

映画の感想

2007-02-02T02:27:00.000-08:00

ビルマの竪琴（たてごと） = The Burmese harp

1. おすすめ度　　★★★★

2. 日本人や日本の文化がわかる●●●●

3. 物語（ものがたり）（ストーリー）　　（　　８０　　　）点　　（０点～１００点）

4. 映像（えいぞう）　（ビジュアル）（　　７５　　　）点　　（０点～１００点）

5. 音楽（おんがく）　（　　８０　　　）点　　（０点～１００点）

6. 演出（えんしゅつ）・演技（えんぎ）　（　　６０　　　）点　　（０点～１００点）

7. コメント：一言（ひとこと）で言えば（ 感動する ）映画。　
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
8. テーマ(topic)：（ 戦争後の気持ち。　）　　

9．レビュー（感想（かんそう）
1. どう思いましたか、悪い場合はどうすればいいと思いましたか。
感動しました。特に水島を探す気持ちと手紙を読んだ気持ちに感動しました。

2. 映画を見て何を学びましたか。
戦争の結果を学びました。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
3. 日本人や日本文化について何がわかりましたか。日本人は国のことをとても大切に思っているので、国のために何でもできます。

4. この映画を見た人に質問したいこと。アメリカの陸軍と日本の陸軍は友達のようですが、殺されるのが怖くないんでしょうか。
★

日本の電車のマナーについて

2007-01-19T02:35:00.000-08:00

皆さん、こんにちは。これから私は日本の電車のマナーについてお話しします。
日本はとても丁寧な国なので、電車にいろいろなエチケットがあります。新聞によると、フロアーに座るのはだめだそうです。そして、荷物はフロアーに置けないそうです。座るとき、足を広げてはいけません。それに、新聞を広げて読んではいけません。ヘッドホンを使ったら、音が聞こえないように注意しなければなりません。荷物を席に置くのはだめです。
それはちょっと厳しいですが、規則があると、電車に乗るのはもっと楽しいようです。
シンガポールの地下鉄には「食ベるな」と「タバコを吸うな」という二つだけの規則しかありません。それなら、何でもできるかもしれません。マナーは大切なのに、罰金がないから、シンガポール人は守らないようです。電車のドアの近くのフロアーに座る人が邪魔なので、ほかの人が通るとき不便です。電車で食事する人も少しいるので、電車が汚くなって、嫌な虫がいます。シンガポール人は荷物で席を取るのが便利だと思いますから、いつもかばんやバッグなどを隣の席に置いています。新聞によるとお年寄りが電車に乗ると、座っている人はすぐ寝るそうです。若いカップルは学校の制服を着たまま、電車で親しすぎて、いやだと思います。
私のプレゼンテーションは以上です。ありがとうございました。

自己紹介

2007-01-16T23:27:00.000-08:00

皆さん、新年明けまして、おめでとうございます。今年もよろしくお願いいたします。

私はゴ・センヨンです。今はシンガポール国立大学で経済を勉強しています。私は子供のときから、幸せは一番大切だと思っています。ですから、私はどんなときも幸せな自分でいようと思っています。言うのは易しいですが、するのは難しいです。

誰かに私は親切だとほめてもらいました。実は、私は柔軟性（じゅうなんせい）があります。欠点はほかの人にいじめられやすいことです。でも、他の人を幸せにできれば、私も幸せです。

私は気まぐれだし、感情的(かんじょうてきemotional)だし、敏感(びんかんsensitive)すぎると思います。でも短所かどうか、本当に分かりません。その上、時々自信が足りないと感じます。私は好きで、欲しいことのためなら、一生懸命がんばりますが、現実の僕は失敗が怖いので、消極的になってしまいます。

ある物語を聞いたことがあります。一匹の犬がかごの中に入っています。かごの周りは電気があるので、犬はかごに触ったとたん、痛いと感じます。犬は逃げようとするたび、痛さを思い出して逃げたくなくなります。一年後、電気が消えました。でも犬はもうかごに触りたくないと思います。時々かごに触ったら、電気があると思いますから、痛いと思います。年をとるに伴って、犬はかごの世界に慣れました、かごのドアをあけても、逃げたくないです。

その話がとても印象深い理由は、私もその犬のようだからです。２３年、籠の中で生活しているので、外の世界が好きでも、追う勇気がありません。友達によると、外の世界は楽しいそうなのに、自分は慣れるかどうか心配で、怖いと感じます。簡単そうなのに、経験がないので、難しいようです。